Last updated 11:24, Monday, 01 December 2008

Post office queues have frustrated the good folk of these islands for as long as post offices have existed.

Inspirational? John Henshaw in Heartbeat. Not the Post Office

But the 21st-century version manages to be more exasperating than ever.

Reiver has just experienced the joys of Carlisle’s new main post office, upstairs in WH Smith.

The move from Warwick Road was controversial, and Reiver sympathises with those who mourn the loss of that fine building.

However, the new post office could in theory be as efficient as a post office anywhere else. Of primary importance is not the building but the people who work there, particularly their number.

Again, there is nothing new about standing in an ever-lengthening queue with an ever-decreasing number of staff: two staff and a queue of nine, since you ask.

But what rubbed salt in the wounds was “The People’s Post Office”.

You may have seen these TV ads, in which the likes of Boyzone stroll into a post office, sending the staff into a frenzy.

While waiting – and waiting – to be served, those of us in the queue were entertained by some ads I had not seen before, one featuring former boxer Chris Eubank and the other with Keith Harris and Orville.

The thought did not take long to strike: how much did these adverts cost? And couldn’t the Post Office have invested the money more wisely? For example, in hiring staff to make queues shorter so we don’t have to stand for 15 minutes watching Chris Eubank lick his lips in anticipation of a sizeable cheque?

The benefit of advertising the Post Office at all is questionable. This is not renowned as a place of impulse buys. I doubt that many people have thought: “Keith Harris and Orville – I’ll buy a fishing licence!”

And “The People’s Post Office”. As opposed to what – The Giraffes’ Post Office?

So how much did these ads cost? Keith Harris won’t have broken the bank but I can’t imagine the same is true of Orville.

The Post Office has even created a website featuring the fictional staff of the fictional People’s Post Office.

I managed to sit through one scene in which a Post Office worker called Jill talked about her boss called Ken. “He gives us very inspirational talks sometimes,” she said.

No, Jill. He doesn’t. Ken doesn’t exist. He is an actor called John Henshaw who has appeared in Emmerdale, Life on Mars and Heartbeat.

And you are an actress. The People’s Post Office doesn’t exist, except on telly and in the advertising agency which inflicted it on those of us who use the plain old, no adornments necessary, Post Office.