Last updated 11:24, Tuesday, 02 December 2008

It’s a heartwarming thought, in these economically chilly days, that those to whom we look for rescue from the worst ravages of financial crisis actually have no more idea what to do about it than we have.

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Don’t think global: Will Opec hang on our every word when we kick off about the price of a litre of unleaded? Of course not.

Chancellor, PM, Opposition leader, President-elect, investment banker, Simon Cowell – none of them have a clue!

Though they do articulate their cluelessness with much panache, they know as much about keeping the wolf from the door as we do – which is zilch, niente, nowt.

Like the rest of us, they’re keeping their fingers crossed and their home-heating system thermostats turned down low.

The dawning of realisation that stylishly-delivered TV speeches, excuses, promises, threats and Pre-Budget reports are no more than nervous whistles in the dark, tends to be a slow one. But once understood, it’s possibly the only thing able to put a smile on the face during this miserable winter of malcontents.

We may be scared but so are they, since they tend to believe their own hogwash, knowing their political careers depend on it.

And therein lies another comforter to soften the blows of monetary meltdown – the less you have the less you have to lose. So pour another sherry, put your feet up and work out for yourself what expert advice to take on board and what to fling over the left shoulder as a pinch of salt. You can afford at least that and it’s actually quite pleasingly easy.

Expert advice from Alistair Darling and his boss Gordon is that, to avoid imminent global economic catastrophe, we must go out and spend lots of money we haven’t got, borrowed from banks which won’t lend us any, on luxury items we don’t need.

To encourage us into this vicious circle of spendthrift behaviour – which got us into the current mess in the first place – the Chancellor has cut VAT hugely, to wipe a whole £2 off the £88 price ticket on a lady’s jacket... for a limited period only though, so hurry, hurry!

Underwhelmed? You’re supposed to be. He has no faith in his solution either. He’s making it up as he goes along – hoping the Tories will get in at the next election and someone else will have to clean up his mess.

Well, it’s a plan – of sorts. But we little people with our debts and overdrafts, mortgages and fuel bills, aren’t obliged to be impressed. Our thoughts are every bit as valid as his – we just tend not to have the opportunity to spout them with conviction on Newsnight.

Global economy – do we really need to worry about that? Can we seriously expect to make any impression on futures markets in the Far East, for example? Will Opec hang on our every word when we kick off about the price of a litre of unleaded?

All very unlikely, if you ask me – which nobody did – so, in the absence of any more convincing directional guidance through this recession that is a crisis, described by Ken Clarke as the worst economic emergency in his lifetime, I propose to make up my own.

First step: Shrink the world. Concerned only with those bits of the global economy in which work, home, friends and family are imperatives, life looks a little bit more manageable.

Second step: Shop locally wherever possible. Hang the global markets, think farmers’ markets. Head for home town stores or nearest when shopping for all those clothes, shoes and fancies Mr Darling insists we must need and are ordered to want.

Mind you – there has to be a retailers’ end to this bargain of unwavering local loyalty. Though well prepared for splashing precious cash close to home, we courageous consumers need to know we can buy what we want... not what local businesses tell us we can have.

Third step: Make Cumbria a Fairtrade county by buying locally-produced food, from locally-run businesses, specialists in their fields and employers of local people. Seasonal fruit and veg make more naturally nutritious sense and taste wonderful. Regionally-sourced meats are the best in the world.

Fourth step: Trust no Chancellor’s fancy footwork with VAT pennies and National Insurance pounds. We’ll be the losers in the end – it’s neatly fixed that way.

If it sounds too good to be true when a Chancellor of the Exchequer tells us it’s fine, dandy and our patriotic duty to spend, spend, spend for the good of the nation... it is.